Is it okay to not be okay?

Today was World Mental Health Day and there was a lot, I mean A LOT of posts on all my social media platforms about how it’s okay to speak out about not being okay. There were suitable hashtags such as #itsokaytonotbeokay and #suicideawareness and lots of ‘copy and paste’ statuses about kettles being on and doors being open. The sentiment means well, and I genuinely believe it’s a good thing. There needs to be a movement towards breaking down the barriers to accessing help when things aren’t going well.


What I find difficult to appreciate though is the fact that very often those same social platforms are contributing to feelings of isolation and inadequacy. They are also very useful tools for passive aggressive behaviour or completely direct, in your face bullying.


In my life I have tried to commit suicide 3 times. The first two times were very much cries for help, a desperate attempt to stop the pain of the emotions I was carrying at the time. The third time, I’m pretty sure I meant it and had decided to exit this life. Fortunately for me my husband, then boyfriend had other ideas.


As he sat on the bathroom floor with me, holding me so I couldn’t get away, I begged him to let me go. Both literally and metaphorically. It really felt like it was time to leave and everything would be okay. In that mind set you aren’t thinking about the people you may be leaving behind or the practicalities of a funeral etc. All you can think about is how overwhelming those thoughts and feelings are. Are they accurate? Probably not, but it makes sense in your mind.

At that moment in time, reading kind statuses about talking and drinking tea would not have made any difference. What I wanted someone to do is stop the pain, stop the thoughts and make the overwhelming sadness go away.


I guess my point is, the people who might not be coping, might not be talking. They may not feel worth that conversation or your time. They might believe that no-one can help or that they are destined to feel this way forever. As a Samaritan, I would ask the question ’Do you want to die, or do you want to stop feeling like this?’ Very often it’s because they couldn’t see a future or a light at the end of the tunnel. They felt that there was no other way to stop the pain.


At what point do you message a friend and say that you aren’t coping or that your thoughts are playing tricks on you? How do you tell a loved one that you have considered taking your own life or that you just can’t see the point anymore? What do you say to your kids when you are too exhausted to adult that day? It’s not an easy thing to say.


In the past I have been told, ‘It’s okay it will get better’, ‘Keep your chin up’, ‘Pull yourself together’, ‘What have you got to be sad about?’ and ‘Tomorrow is another day’. Unfortunately, as well meaning as people are it can make you feel unheard. The other worry is having to cope with other people’s emotional reaction to you admitting you aren’t coping. Losing your shit at someone who is barely functioning (however unintentional) can be enough to overburden the person who has said how they feel.


So, what can you do?


First, check in on your friends. I don’t mean message every single day asking if they are okay but arrange a conversation or a meet up. With instant messaging it’s so easy to say everything is okay. You can’t hear a tone of voice or read someone's body language. Life is so busy but it’s good to make time for actual face to face interaction.


If you have a friend whose behaviour changes, don’t just take their first answer that everything is okay. Thankfully my friends know I’m flaky and will cancel at the last minute, but my husband keeps an eye on me.


If someone starts to tell you about how they are feeling, don’t just dismiss it and talk over them. Some of the times I tried to open a conversation about how I was feeling, it became a conversation about how much harder it was for the other person. At that time, I didn’t have the energy to push on with it, so I just sat and listened and took on all of their stuff before going home.


If your friend tells you they have considered ending their life, don’t lose your shit! Take a deep breath and listen. Ask them what is happening for them and support them in getting the right help. The chances are if you pile on the emotion (and blackmail) it could stop that person reaching out again.

My other piece of advice is to take care of your own mental health. If you are in a place of overwhelm, pain or despair then please know that there are people out there that care.



It may feel like there is no end in sight right now and I can’t promise you that you will feel better, but I do know that there are people who will listen. If you need to talk, there are lots of charities and help lines where you can access support. Samaritans are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and will listen without judgement or trying to give you advice. Call 116 123.


Remember it’s okay to not be okay.